Sometimes it's hard admitting flaws, who am I kidding? It's USUALLY hard admitting flaws or struggles. But it also feels good to be honest and let all the negativity out. When I set out to start this blog I wanted to help others. Sometimes, the best help is knowing you're not the only one who struggles with what you're struggling with. So, here we go, one thing I really struggle with is Depression and Anxiety. Whew, I admitted that out loud for the whole world to see...eek!
Anxiety is something I've struggled with since I was a child, I can't even remember the first time I felt the intense fear and panic as it was a pretty regular part of my childhood. I could not enjoy church camps, or sleepovers as I was sure my parents were going to be killed in some tragic accident and I wouldn't be there to help my 3 younger siblings. I was also completely terrified of dying, I knew everyone died but I was TERRIFIED of what would come once I met my demise. Yes I feared this WELLLL into adulthood even knowing without a shadow of a doubt that I'd be in heaven with my savior. It wasn't a fear of where I was going or not going it was a fear of what dying would be like, what I would feel, what I would see, what heaven and eternity would really be like. I avoided talking about it because It would make me think too in depth about death and I would panic. These thoughts or fears sound crazy to most, in fact my parents called me a worry wart thinking I just worried about everything and didn't really take these fears as a problem. I don't think they had any idea of just how bad the fears were though. At the time, I had no Idea that the intense fears I was experiencing was anxiety. It's not the same as fear or worry, its a terrible feeling that causes the heart to beat hard and fast, I feel like my skin is prickly and get an intense feeling of dread and fear that washes over me. It's absolutely the worst feeling I've ever experienced. Panic.
I would not say I struggle with depression the same way I struggle with anxiety. My depression is occasionally feeling sad for no reason or feeling lonely. Usually I am able feel better after talking it over with my husband, who, by-the-way, is so patient and tries to be understanding. He is very good at talking me out of the sad feelings...most of the time...he isn't perfect though ;) If he doesn't seem particularly helpful then I talk it over with my sister or a good friend. For me talking about my feelings of sadness and having someone there as a means of support really helps.
There is a time, however, where both the depression and anxiety intensifies and sticks around a little longer than normal. Post Partum. I'm currently pregnant with baby 3 and I know it's coming, my sweet family knows it's coming even if they don't understand it. When my other two baby girls entered the world I was elated, I just stare at them for hours and fall completely in love with them. The outside world and all my relationships feel very fragile during that time though. I get an intense fear that everyone is mad at me and just feel generally down about myself. After my second birth I remember fearing that some family members were mad at me because, in my mind, I hadn't spoken to them enough since having the baby. Now, no one told me they were mad at me, this was some seemingly made up scenario in my brain for no real reason that I see made no sense now but I couldn't see that then. I wasn't worried they were mad at me I was panicked, sobbing uncontrollably at the thought of anyone being mad or disappointed in me.
During that time, I usually wish I could just take my husband and babies and create a bubble for us to wait out the days and weeks that the anxiety and depression show up, just until the ugly feeling passes, then we can resume life as normal. Obviously that cannot happen and I put my best foot forward in the days and weeks following birth but it's very difficult to do.
To be honest, I cry a lot in those weeks following birth. I so wish I didn't because babies are not babies for long at all I want to just fully enjoy the time with my babies, I do enjoy them, but the sadness is always welling up. Luckily babies are cute and for me, keeping busy and distracted helps forget the sad feelings.
**OH but don't get me started putting newborn clothes away because they've grown out of them in a week...Oh, the tears seem like they won't ever end then! :D**
~Here's baby B, first born, the one who grew out of newborn clothes in just 5 days~
If there are any of you reading this that maybe know a mommy who's expecting or know a mommy who's just given birth. Reach out to her, PLEASE. She may not be receptive, she may not seem like she wants or needs anything but don't give up on her, just send a friendly text to let her know you're thinking of her. We mommy's tend to put on a happy face but internalize a lot of negative feelings. I'm not saying you HAVE to talk to her about it because she may not be able to verbalize her exact feelings (if she is feeling poorly). I am saying to please just let her know you're there and thinking of her because sometimes that makes all the difference in the day. Just to know someone is thinking of her and wishing her well really does help the feelings of loneliness and sadness to dissipate, even if just for a little while. It helps!
~Baby K, Second Born~
Some of you are mommy's who've never had the feelings of anxiety or depression before, during or after your pregnancy. Count it a blessing! But just because you haven't experienced these feelings does not mean they aren't real. They are hard to comprehend if you've never experienced them but they are real and they are terrible.
Here's an example to think about; some of you lucky ducks have never experienced "morning" sickness ("morning" because some of us know sickness does not just strike in the morning despite its name!) but you don't doubt that it's real in other mommy's, so why are mental or emotional issues doubted just because they're not understood? I have family members and friends who've suggested I "just get over it" or "suck it up" or say "mind over matter" seriously, I wish I could just will the terrible feelings away people, trust me! Please don't tell someone who struggles with Depression or Anxiety to "just get over it" it's not helpful in the least.
~Baby 3, Coming soon!~
Do not judge mommy's who are seeming distant. For those of you who have had multiple pregnancies you know each one can be so different so, each mom is different and each pregnancy she has can be different so don't pretend like you're an expert because you've had one or even 4 pregnancies, they can all be completely different. Let's just give each other grace mommy's! It's not too hard!
I promise you if you ever do experience these struggles, grace from your friends and family will be much appreciated.
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